"So here I am studying, reading, meditating, washing and repeating. Trying to find MY history and lineage. I began following people who were on their journey and unfollowed them after I felt that our road had ended as far as knowledge went. Then I would find a new mentor or a new tribe of women and learn their ways and wash and repeat, and the more I did this the more I was becoming balanced and connected with my higher self because I was fine-tuning my path.
It really helped that the guy I was with at the time was mildly familiar with what I was going through. So he was just legit throwing gasoline on the fire. I was literally shedding my old conforming ways and old self and he was there with materials I needed and materials I didn't even know I needed. Journals, clothing that truly fitted and represented who I was as a person, crystals, and the one thing that really set this all in motion...
My very first deck of oracle cards; that I named Crystal.
But the 'fun and games' of the journey was beginning to come to an end. It was no longer just about the esthetics or finding a proper identity for my future. The entire time I thought I was collecting the rainfall of knowledge and blessings in a barrel to water the garden I wanted to plant, but in reality I was watering my own garden within me and the seeds that were planted from the very beginning as a child still had good roots and began to grow again.
I started having all these spiritual memories from my childhood that I was suppressing and had locked away because it wasn't "normal." I would come across information and be like 'Wait, I've seen this before. Wait...I already know this.'
Regaining those memories really helped me focus on the smaller challenges placed in front of me at the time and navigate them accordingly. Every time I was able to accomplish one task a greater one was placed in front of me.
They were testing me.
I remember looking at my WHOLE birthchart for the first time ever and literally in black and white it said 'you're going to succeed the most doing humanitarian and spiritual work, but you're not going to take it seriously until your 30s.'
...I had literally just turned 30 when my awakening occurred...
And my awakening was VIOLENT.
I would hide and have regular breakdowns in the garage or in the bath behind his back because I didn't want him to worry.
I would just cry and cry, I felt like I was going insane.
I tried opening up to him once about it and his response wasn't kind. He even went as far as asking if I needed to be 'seen by a professional.'
(Which by the way, if you ever come on here reading this, know that comment really pissed me off.)
After that, I closed up to him. Yeah, he was providing me material support, but he wasn't there for me in the area I needed him the most. My emotional and mental. He was always 'unavailable' when it came to that with me.
After multiple failed attempts to get him to understand I needed him, it finally just dawned on me that this particular journey was only for me, and no one else was going to understand what I was going through. I needed to trust my higher self and do this on my own, and I did.
I took the awakening on all by myself, like MANY of us do."